Have it All? No way

I haven't had that funny feeling of disappointment for a long time. It feels strange and I can't figure out why and how this feeling started. Perhaps it has to do with expectations , my own expectations of how I thought things should be.

It was not an easy decision to make, to give up my career and switch to a part time work option. I will be lying to say that "Yeah I can't wait to be a stay-at-home mum"....But I know it's time to prioritise my life, or rather give up something part of me so that someone can "have it all". It's a risk, a huge risk, for someone like me who has been brought up to be as independent as possible.And to take on a task which mirrors someone whom my hubby doesn't think highly of. Haha....So they say doctors are gamblers...well, I think housewives place their bets even more...on their husbands whom they are expected to trust and love with all their hearts. (forgetting the fact that both are sinners?!)

Iain tells me to treasure this one month of leave and just "enjoy it". Well, I'm not someone who can sit at home or hang around a cafe and "enjoy it"...I'm a workaholic too...and I have to force myself out of the house so that I can stop doing the endless housework and risk becoming a totally boring "huang nian po".

So where is the balance now?

I seemed to be losing a part of myself and slipping into a mould that's not me. So how much of a housewife, a mother and a wife should I be? And what about myself? My interests that defined me? Or a job that keeps me challenged? How about that long-awaited missions trip again? Maybe this is what I should be doing during this time of rest - finding the balance and getting the best fit through the eyes of God and not man...